Say Cheese

So I'm not ashamed to admit that I've had a tough time as of late with Aria and parenting life. I wanted to share, for once, the actual good side of being a mummy to such a gorgeous little girl. For weeks Aria has been smiling for other people, nans, great nans, aunties, grandads, uncles, whoever, just not me or Connor. This sort of added to my upset because I just felt like it was me (although I knew it was Conn too) and I was wallowing in it wondering why everyone and their dog could make my girl smile, but I couldn't. 

As I said, this went on for a few weeks, on and off and only a fleeting one smile that never came back. And yes before anyone says it, they were proper smiles, you can see it in her eyes that she's happy (hah, if she's ever happy). So anyway, on one of my days desperately trying to calm her down I started bouncing her on my knee - an obvious one I know, but she started to realize she was making a funny noise when she was crying and being bounced at once. Because of this noise she opened her eyes and slowly stopped crying. She had a confused look on her face and I started to chatter to her, asking her if that was funny and was that a silly noise and other rubbish mum blabbing that they don't understand or can't answer. She was staring right in my eyes and was really focused and then I finally got one! 

The best smile I've ever seen in my life. Beautifully wide and gummy and so much happiness in her sparkly eyes! I was so happy. I felt like screaming but I kept it in and carried on babbling away to hopefully get another smile because she'd never done two in one go. Then there was a second. And third. And wriggles and pulling tongues and copying my facial expressions. I was over the moon. Apart from the obvious: getting to see her for the first time, hold her for the first time, first cuddles in bed (which are totally insignificant to people who don't have babies in NICU), first bath etc. This was definitely one of the best moments of being a mummy. Seeing her face light up knowing it was because of me filled me with such overwhelming amazement and joy I can't even explain it. 

Since that moment she has smiled loads! She's not overly smiley yet like older babies, but she does it so many times a day. Sometimes in her sleep, when someone chatters to her, when she gets cuddles, etc. She especially loves sensory lights like fish tanks or those big bubble tubes - so guess who's on the hunt to find a good one of them for cheap. This obviously makes it even harder when I get upset with her because I either remember these smiles of she will give me one which makes me feel so guilty. But it definitely makes it all worth it, this is one of the moments that lets us remember the good in all the stress and upset. I feel quite good to be able to write a positive post instead of my usual rantings of a mad woman. Here's to, hopefully, many more of these kind of posts from me! 

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