Me and You, just us two

When I think back to the image I had in my head when we planned to move out and start our family life, I wonder; how the hell was I so bloody naive? I imagined a beautiful house, no mess, no stress, washing and dishes always done and my beautiful baby smiling away at me - when she wasn't fast asleep with her invisible halo above her head. I pictured myself sitting down with my girlfriends chatting about family life, laughing, sipping coffee and eating home made cookies and cakes like they always do on TV.

Boy what a total lack of judgement!
Don't get me wrong I knew it'd be hard, having a baby and living together without our parents for the first time. But I never anticipated how hard. I knew I'd be tired, I knew I'd be stressed, I knew my house wouldn't stay spotless and I knew my little darling wasn't really going to smile the day away and sleep all night. I never thought getting our house would be as incredibly tough and stressful as it was, and I never imagined moving in when I had a 2 week old baby in hospital and having just had a c-section. Luckily we'd already been planning to move out so had already bought or been given (very kindly from loving family members) most of our stuff by the time our little dear came which eased our stress a tad... but then we dealt with the hassle of moving and decorating - well Connor did while I sat on half a couch in agony.

Although Aria wasn't at home straight away, we still didn't get that fun early 20's life. No stumbling home at 4 am drunk with a greasy pizza slice in one hand and a doner kebab in the other, (which would most certainly disagree with you the next morning). You must understand I do love my life as a whole (some days I don't love it quite as much...) but the fact that we wont really get any proper holidays as just us again, and the idea that we will never really be 'just us two' again is actually quite a shock when it becomes your reality. We knew it'd not be just us, we knew we'd have family holidays which we loved the idea of (and have our first one booked with and by my fabulous lot) but now it's our reality it's actually quite scary that we took it all so lightly. And now I find myself depressed that I can't go to festivals and have a girls holiday in Magaluf, when really the idea of those things have always made my skin crawl! I mean really, who honestly enjoys not being able to bathe and having to pee in those dreaded festival 'toilets' ? (I'm using the term toilet very loosely).

It makes me feel really awful writing this down because it sounds like I don't enjoy being a mum, which is not the case. Being a mum is the best thing I've ever done. It's brought out a strength in me that I never imagined was possible. It's shown my capability and braveness to not just myself but others around me too. I couldn't be prouder to say I'm a mummy to one of the bravest little girls in the world. It's just that sometimes you have to admit, it's not what you expected it to be.

You can be fully prepared with all the baby gear they make, read up on all the tips and tricks, be physically prepared for birth (not that that mattered for me) and have your house set up and baby ready. But it all goes to shit as soon as that screaming ball of fire comes home. You're not prepared. You're never going to be prepared. Not with your first. All be it with others, maybe, you can prepare yourself, but definitely not for your first. And no one can prepare you for feeling that you're inadequate.

I casually stalk (can you casually stalk?) other mum's instagram's and blogs and wonder how they are living such perfect and glossy lives with their kids. Why their babies don't seem to scream as much as mine. Why they never moan about sleepless nights or feeling alone when their partners go back to work. I wonder if I'm broken, made wrong or something inside me untied along the way which is why I just don't always cherish each moment with my girl. But the truth is you don't. It's a blessing having a baby it really is, but they aren't lying when they say 'parenting is the hardest job in the world'. When you're feeling helpless at 4 am and your munchkin is wide awake but just wont take a bottle and you wonder why on earth is this happening? I didn't sign up for this. We all think it, we all feel it. Some of us just aren't brave enough to say it but we have definitely all been there.

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you're doing great. Someone to sit you down and say everything will be fine in the end. Because it will. We've just got to struggle through the long haul and make it across the rainbow that is baby shit, sick and tears to the pot of gold at the end where it is fine and we know we did great.



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