Good Riddance 2016



So 2016 is almost over and I know everyone will be reflecting on their year, good or bad. I have no shame in saying 2016 was one of the worst, most stressful, painful and scary years of my life. I know I should be sitting here smiling, thinking about the wonderful family and house I have been blessed with this year, but the fact is that I'm not. My 2016 did not happen how I'd planned, and everything that did happen as I wanted, still managed to go wrong and bite me in the ass. 

I got pregnant with my beautiful baby girl and that was one of the happiest days of my life. Seeing those double lines on the test and bursting with excitement and joy imagining how I would surprise her daddy by telling him our wonderful news. The waiting game of not having a scan until 12 weeks played hell with my anxiety but when that long awaited day arrived it should have been perfect right? Nearly. Seeing that little jelly bean shaped blob with arms and legs wriggling and hiccuping around inside me was incredible. But when the sonographer told us that our little wriggler should have been a twin it was like a punch in the gut. Like someone took the air from around me and squeezed out the remains from my lungs. It was incredibly hard to be told that and know how I should feel when I also had a fabulous healthy fighter still there and knew I should be overjoyed. 

Obviously after the traumatic birth of my little miracle, the next 3 months of our family life was spent in hospitals. Again I felt like I should have been happy, grateful and don't get me wrong I was! I was constantly in awe of this amazing fighter that we had made, but I was riddled with feelings of guilt, worry and pain watching her go through all this and knowing there was literally nothing I could do for her.

Other things in my life have happened over this year, not just to do with our pocket princess. I moved out, away from my Mum and Dad which, although I'm only 10 mins away, is very difficult. I have never lived away, never went to uni or anything like that so I had never been away for a prolonged amount of time. Getting used to living with the one you love is fun, but also challenging. You have to get used to their habits and routines, add a baby in hospital into the equation and you've got yourself a struggle. 

This year I've had to deal with not being kept on at the job that I loved, having my baby far too early and having to watch her struggle, and moving away from the comfort of my family home. It's been a year where I've had to watch the people I cherish and love deal with heartbreak and pain, witness them go through some of the darkest times in their life and know I can only watch it happen not make it better.

But we look back and reflect to see all the pain and hardships we have suffered through and to also see that we made it through. We survived. We came out the other side, battered and bruised but alive and breathing and ready to see in another year. 

So I'm not making resolutions this year, I'm making wishes. I wish that 2017 is a better one for us all. I hope that all the wonderful people I've met and who have supported me through this year are still with me in the next and that it treats them well. I hope that my life is no longer filled with hospitals. I wish that 2017 is the year that we deserve, filled with confidence, pride, love and joy. I hope we overcome the hurdles life throws at us with ease and don't allow it to dampen our spirits. 

Good riddance 2016 you will most defiantly not be missed. 

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